113: Vices, Part Two.

So, with the last post I talked about what is now being called the Brubaker incident. Mainly because I read to much into the situation. Did I discover the real point of the Vice Magazine? Yeah. But the other thing that I discovered was also amazing.

I mentioned the incident out loud stating "now why would Tina Brubaker leave this Vice magazine here?" No one had an answer, however, my good pal Carey mentioned something else. "You've seen her card right? The Manbreaker one."

Excuse me? And that is when this came into my possession.


It brings up a good point and got me thinking about promotions. And scanning in kisses and putting them on cards. I dug around through my bag of tricks (which is really just a bag that I've been carrying around with me for the last year) and came up with some other rider cards that I've found along the way.


Our pal Sven has a few cards to his name too. Here's what you do to get these cards at the European races. Show up. The thing that kind of blows my mind is that we're not doing more of this here, and I think that Tina and Co. are right on track. They are designed by Shannon Holt of Grey Matter, so the cards are going to be a little better than most.

I made a point of getting all the American's that I could find.

There was of course Molly's, but she's usually ahead of the curve when it comes to promotions (I mean, she has me right?) and hers is good. However Trebon? Come on. Seriously. Our National Champion has left the design of his rider card to Swiss Stop. Not America Stop. Or even U.S. Stop. Swiss Stop. Ok, well, at least we're getting some good representation on the world circuit. There is a reason that I tried to hide it behind the others. We need good representation here people.


In fact, let us look to the Euro's and see how they are doing things. Sven Nys pretty much has everything on lockdown. Or at least his lackeys have it down to a science. In fact, here are three examples. The first two look very similar...but they're not. All sponsors represented and then do a second, in color so that the Belgian National Champion has a little bit of a spotlight....and then, into the studio so that we can shoot the one for Betafence.

Here is the key though. Results on the back. Information. The Swiss Stop one had brake pads on the back.

The Marianne Vos card though was the prize. I think that it happens to be bent and trashed like this because Molly tried to wrestle it away from me. Or maybe it was because the race took place on New Years Day and I was more hungover than I've been in a while, or since.

In any case, we got to see her race against Georgia Gould in the Pentage Race in Luxembourg. Then, we got to hang out with her in the Supporters Club afterward and found out that she's also an amazingly sweet and generous person, despite her aggressive racing style. (I shot this at the Pentage race.) World Champ? No big deal.


So, I'm going to put it out there. Who will be making them this year? I have watched grown men beg for these in Belgium. They hoarde them. They drop their cigarettes and literally run toward the people who come to hand them out. And who the hell know's what they're doing with them? Selling them on ebay? Trading them with there friends late at night over beers? Its working though, people know who Molly Cameron is because of her racing, but also because they can look at the card that they've just recieved.

Maybe I'll take some Super Relax cards with me when I head back to Europe late this fall...
Who doesn't want to see a baby faced J. Hufnagel covered in sandwich cookies?

112: Little (pink) Vices.

So, here's how it goes. The train of thought. Dylan and I are putting together what we've come to call the School of Cross. Which will be three Monday nights starting at the end of September. We're going big on this one people, so get involved.

I'll get back to that later, but the point is...Dylan puts up the flier and starts getting calls about it. Can we do this? Can we do that? And one guy even called up to see if we're going to be having a Uni-cycle division. Duh. Of course we're going to have a unicycle division... it is going to be out at Forrest Park.

Here's the trailer for it:


Moving On.

I returned to the office the other day to find this sitting on my desk.

Apparently it had been left by Tina Brubaker, but no one had any idea why? So, I thought, what the hey, I'm a big fan of Vice, and a part time detective. I should be able to figure out why this was left for me. First I held it by the spine and shook it. Nothing happened, no secret note fell out, so I went looking for clues in the articles.

I wondered, out loud, if maybe there was an article or something that Tina thought I would be interested in. Maybe something about oils for legs, or (lets go big here) an article about bikes? Something, anything?

First I went and looked through the DO's and DON'Ts.

Apparently they're being written by Johnny Ryan (he's done comix for Hustler, Screw and of course Nickelodean Kids Magazine [which kind of makes sense]) and they're all really funny. So, I thought to myself: Self, maybe Tina has seen you around town and knows your inner concern for not having enough style and she's trying to tell you something here. No go.

Then I came across this article:

Its a very informative article about a dildo factory in Germany. I showed it to Dylan when he was here and he said "wow, that's some really great photography" and he was right. They employ something like 20 people at this little pleasure factory. But I still couldn't get my head around it, this couldn't be the reason she sent it right? I mean, this stuff is interesting sure, but its still Vice after all.

And then I found this:

Kind of a fitting titled I'd say.

This had to be it right? I've referenced Herzog here than a few times. And now someone has brought me a publication to show me there is a new book about Werner Herzog coming out? Amazing. And not only that but the book is the Production Diary from Fitzcarraldo, Herzog's film where he quite literally drags a steamship through the mountainous jungles of Peru. Plus, his book Of Walking in Ice has been my favorite book of the year. So, if this is in the same journalistic style. Then I'm willing to give it a try.

Sorry, I just got all sentimental and weepy there for a minute. Lets get down to business. At this point had I discovered why this magazine would appear out of nowhere?

No. But the answer was soon to come...

111: Lust Then Disrobe

Can I just say that the guys over at Yakima put together a pretty bad ass looking soapbox? Shit, that thing looks like its from, well, the future. Big congrats on the second place. And Ratatat. Amazing. I was just saying the other day that if I was going to throw a party in Las Vegas, or anywhere for that matter, I would get Ratatat to play it.

Nice Sticker. Remember those days?

The very same time that was happening, Ira and I were out preparing. Preparing for what you might ask? Well, Ira is getting ready to combine forces with Rapha design stalwart Graeme Raeburn to ride/race the Cent Col Challenge coming up in the French Alps. My assesment for this team is that they are going to kill it. Not destroy it, crush it, or even mash it up a bit. They're going it Kill It.

Which is why, Ira, I volunteer my services to you Ira. I will wake up at the crack of dawn every day this week and next, until you leave in fact to ride the hills surrounding Portland with you. You just let me know (this is where I bank on the fact that he's moving his shop this week and won't have time to read silly transmissions on the interwebs.)

You have to hand it to me for this next photo (little joke) because I've relegated myself to handmodel when it comes to the Embrocation site from now on.


Hand model, real great. However, if you cruise over to the new site there's a new face to behold. Kyle Von Hoetzendorff is a funny, funny man. He can hold his own when it comes to a spot of the drink too. And god knows, we need more men like that. Real men. Manly men. Well, here's your answer.

The Brass Knuckles featured, well they're pretty amazing too. Kyle is going to be doing some product review (suggestions?). So, I figured, what a better way to start you, dear readers out than with some bright pink brass knuckles to liven your day? I'll let you in on a secret as well. These little beauties feature heavily in Volume 4 of Embrocation Cycling Journal (shameless plug). Sacha (see we've worked together before) gave them to me at the NAHBS under one condition...now, I can't remember, it was either naked centerfold, centerpiece, or 'piece of the action'?


I just designed the new Speedvagen Racing Kits as well. So, stay tuned for that. Or go buy a Speedvagen and maybe Sacha will give you a sneak peak. Cause it sure isn't coming from me.

Also, can I just say that when I said that Robots were going to take over the world the other day...well, this is what I meant by it. Watch near the end when the robotic hand tosses a cell phone up into the air and catches it. Mindblowing? This is the first step to being able to catch missiles and bullets mid air Remo Williams style. We're doomed people. And when you go down in a blaze of glory, just remember that you heard it first on a blog primarily about cycling.

110: Oh the Humanity.

(Look at above photo while you read this next part. Maybe print and hold it above your computer for desired effect.)

Humanity versus Humility. Who wins? The robots. That is who wins. Haven't you seen Terminator Salvation? Shit people, the robots always win. Know why? No emotion.

That is part of a larger debate than I'm willing to go into at this moment. Instead I'm forced to just slog on ahead, doing only what I know to be true. But, why is that always the hardest?


We do this because we like to ride bikes right? And I absolutely love to ride this bike. It has my name on the top tube. Which really means I love it. There are others out there that look like it, but none of them are mine.

Volume 4 should be to you shortly. I'm counting down the days at this point. Can't wait to see what it looks like. The humanity. Can't wait to see where I can improve. The humility. Is there in fact anything else happening in the world at the moment? Besides a buildup to cross that is.


Went and helped out Molly* and Russell with their weekly Cyclocross Skills Clinic. It was nice. I even put some new white bar tape on my Igleheart Cyclocross bike. Don't look too too closely at the photos though, because I suspect you'll see some dirt from last year's Ice Weasel Cometh race that Crossresults.com put on. And that was last year.


Also, here's a nice shot of the "Cross" Fire by Ridley. After Steven's little pronounciation blunder (you people don't let us get away with anything do you?) it was a much debated subject. After I told Steven that the masses were decidedly upset at his calling the bike an "X" Fire instead of "Cross" Fire he pointed out "well, if Ridley wanted it to be called "Cross" wouldn't they have rotated it a bit, made that symbol, well, more like a Cross than an X? Just a thought." And these, friends are the hotly contested items of the day.

*this blog post contains no mention of Steven Beardsley.

109: Speaking of Video.

Speaking of awesome videos, here's one I grabbed from Jesse LaLonde's site. That is actually him riding in the Vortex of Terror as well. Although he doesn't look that terrified.

What I think they should do (and this is only one man's opinion by the way) is fill the bottom of it with broken glass. Then get another rider in there, and they can both dip their gloves in broken glass (that's right Bloodsport style) and punch-i-size each others faces. All the while the spectators get to not only throw shit at them (not really shit, but stuff like, rocks and sticks) and bet on it.

That would be a Vortex of Terror.

Sorry, did I just go off there? And I'm having a good day.

In any case, Jesse is an awesome graphic designer as well as Professional Bicycle Sportsman. He designed JHK's new Captain America Suit as well as the Horse he rode in on. The other cool thing (apparently this guy is always doing cool things) he's done lately is be apart of the design collective that Trek likes to call Thing One. Jealous. But what is going to be Thing Two?

Jesse is also the man that was behind the Embrocation Lucador Shirt. So, he's kind of everywhere these days. Word on the street is that he's got bro's too. The kind that will gang up on you and kick your ass (metaphorically) in the parking lot (bike race.) Its not really 'word on the street' though, because I've raced against them a few times. Sigh. They kicked my ass in the WORS single speed division.

Good times people.

108: Two Video Tuesday night.

Don't really know what to say about this.
My friend Robin sent it over to me. She said that it had some 'magical' qualities to it. I thought she meant 'special effects' but I didn't see any.

At first I was kind of annoyed by it, I'm not going to lie. I started watching it and my brain went straight into bikesnob mode. I was thinking things like "he just said $5,000.00 and he's got 105 crankset on there" or "how can he talk about spandex when he's not even wearing bibs? Besides, we say Lycra, not Spandex."

Then I watched it again and said to myself. "Jesus god man, have a sense of humor." This is hilarious. This is why road cyclists are so damn funny. Because they take themselves that seriously. Seriously. And besides, he just said Embrocation.

There are some great nods to Portland Bike Culture in there too. Mt. Tabor, too tight jeans, and even a little Yakima back up girls. Actually, I'm convinced that Dylan, Yakima's head of Marketing is one of those back up singers. I've seen him put on a wig and if he tries, he can definitely look that good.

Maybe I should track this guy down for an interview? See what other hits he's got planned for the next little while?

Even with all of it's flash, and magic...it is no Body Report. I was turned on to the Body Report not too long ago. Was out to drink with a few friends when I noticed that one of our party kept getting up from the table to do various exercises. One time it was dips with a nearby planter. Another, it was reverse curls with businessmen, I kid you not. I was soon to find out that this man was none other than Jimm Lasser the reknowned Office Workout King.

I've since refined my daily practices to incorporate some of his glorious techniques and have been trying to impress him with them ever since. To no avail I might add. Watch in the video below as he uses two ingenious workout tools...

1) a baby.

2) a cabbie.



After watching these two video's back to back I had a thought. A fleeting thought at that. A What if? What if we got these two characters together to produce a video? I said fleeting because I heard that Jimm once suggested "Punching that guy to see if a Man would come out?"

Maybe we'll keep these two apart.

107: Park Block Crit and Crash

Friday night saw the happening of the Park Block Crit in downtown Portland. 'Crash' was the theme of the night and the multi turn sketch factor of racing bikes in a downtown setting was high. Check Bikeportland.org for a better recap that includes a little bit of history and the past few years results.

It is really hard to sit by and watch these things happen though. Even though I know that the propensity to lay it down would be much higher than normal I still found myself wanting to be out there being competitive. This is why I don't watch professional sports on television. Too much stress, not enough release.

Molly was the story of the night though. I know what you're thinking to yourself. When, in fact, is the M.C. not the story of the night? Going straight to the front from the get-go was the way to go. Leading the parade lap always looks good, especially when you're standing on the pedals looking back at everyone with that "aren't you guys going to do any work" look on your face. Simple and effective. Keep them guessing from the get go.

A breakaway happened and Molly wasn't in it. This was early and I wasn't worried. I wasn't worried because I'd been studying Molly's hair all week, watching the tapes, reviewing the photos...and I knew that this was going to be her power animal, her dreamcatcher. And it was.


With who knows how many laps to go (I just get plain excited in times like these) she broke away from the main field. The crowd went wild and for two laps the M.C. chased like a bat out of hell. Shannon Skerritt thought that this was a good thing and went for it too. Three laps into the her break from the main field and she had made it into the breakaway. Everyone was going apeshit, screaming and running from one side to the other. Breathing was labored.

And then she crashed on the next lap. Trust me when I say that it wasn't her fault, I saw it all happen. And then I ran to the pit to check on her. And film everything at the same time.



I'm sorry Molly, for putting a camera on you in your time of need, a time when I should have been doling out soothing words of praise and concern. When all I could do, the only thing that was running through my mind was "this is great coverage I'm getting here." What an asshole.

I also got in this guys face. So, I guess that's kind of fair. He races for the local Rapha Racing crew. I bet he was psyched that I forgot to turn off my flash as he flew by. I'm quite sure what he wanted at that moment was to be blinded into submission.


I also ran into Tony Pereira and Ira Ryan at the crit. Ira was showing off the virtues of his new iPhone. It doesn't look like an iPhone so that no one will try and steal it. It is that advanced. It has an "Opening Folder" option to it.




And Tony? Well, who really knows what Tony was up to here. All I know is that the people behind him are not happy about what is going on. And I mean not happy.


Woman: "Honey, what is that man doing?"

Man: "What man...OH, that man. He's probably doing something dastardly. And illegal to boot."
Woman: "Well, you know, it is the twilight crit."
Man: "Oh shoot, you're right again. We're such sticklers for truth and justice. We should let people have their fun every once in a while...and it is the Twilight Crit."

And then they hugged and went back to watching bike racing.
And so did I.

106: Bar Wrap with Steven Hunter and Other Videos.

First: Check out the new Embrocation Cycling Journal Site.
Moving forward is Fun.



On the way through the house the other night I spied local pro Veloshop (Cross) Portland Bicycle Studio (Road) Racer Steven Hunter going through a Pro Bar Wrap scenario. Notice how I put the Cross sponsorship first? Cross is on the tip of everyone's tongues these days. And speaking of Cross I'm hoping to get a better look at these Ridley's in the coming weeks. Why do the Euro's go on vacation all the time, don't they know that Cross is coming. Or are they prepping for it???

This is what has been going on at our house these days. The bar tap was just one of a few scenarios. Steven actually let me shoot some photos with my new Canon of his adjustment of his bar position a little while back for Race.CX. I don't know officially what goes on over at those Belgian U23 Cross Camps, but this what is going to be happening at our house for the next few months if you want to come hang out.

So, that's it, officially, Cross is in the air.
Its also in the hair, apparently.


Went for a ride this past weekend with the M.C. and Joe Staples. It wasn't organized team practice but I do have to say that they were looking pretty pro in Embro garb. Molly in particular with her homage (hair-mage?) to Pellizotti. In fact at one point I looked over and thought that, maybe it was the light, the blue and green was that of Liquigas. Whatever, you get my point. Which is, simply...awesome.

Watch it flow and flutter in the breeze.




In any case, this got me to thinking. After the Belgian Haircut scenario that happened in Gent, why shouldn't Molly really go for it this season? She keeps threatening to cut it off, and I'm not going to say that I blame her. However, as the temperatures dipped this evening I found myself wishing I had something...a squirrel tail say? To warm my neck as I walked in the crisp moonlight. Someday.

+10 Bonus Pro Points.
Technique: Putting on Gloves for a Descent.
I get this one, but at the same time can't help but giggle (doesn't deserve a full laugh) at the thought of it. I've seen Molly do it a few times, (I chuckled, I'm not going to lie). Apparently she's testing some super-secret Rapha gloves at the moment. The best part is when we've finished descending, off the gloves go, to be neatly folded and stashed in the rear pocket.


Speaking of Rapha, the video that Benji Wagner shot and edited for our Breaking Away with Mellow Johnny's event is up. Watch for the couple great near-misses that happen in the hand-offs that happened. I'm still amazed at this event, that we went a gathered ten teams together to pay tribute to an amazing film about cycling kind of blow my mind. Allow me to be sentimental for a moment.

photo by Benj Wagner

What I'm actually wondering, while looking through Benji's site, is how he found this photo of me driving in a Demolition Derby? There was no need for those jocks to write Sandbagger on my car, so I had to smash them.

But, in all seriousness, I do remember these happenings on certain Friday nights in my hometown. It was a big deal. That's what you do in Wisco, smash up cars. Drink a lot, and then drive home and smash up cars along the way. Viscious Cycle.

Yikes.

Tomorrow:

Taza Chocolate Embrocation Option?

105: A Two, or Three Video Saturday.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Sport Report - Tour de France & Robotic Baseball
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Tasers

I don't have a TV. But if I did, I would be watching things like...The Colbert Report. One time, when I worked in the Television Production world. This was a long time ago, but I did a lot of Teleprompting. This basically involves using a mouse with a roller ball, or a just the plain old trackpad on your computer, loading a fancy program and then scrolling along with whomever happens to be on stage reading out-loud. I did this for people like Chris Matthews, John Kerry and his wife, Terri Gar and John Stewart. Stewart was the funniest. I think about this every time I see him. How he's funny. Indeed, I enjoy people who are funny.



This is the second video. Shot this video in Belgium last year.


Was thinking about this because last night saw the meeting of the minds. Met with local legends S. Hunter, M. Cameron, and B. Ellin to talk about the upcoming Cyclocross season here in Portland. Now, I don't know about you, but I feel like everyone has 'Cross on the brain all of a sudden. No? Check out the most recent post over at Race.cx as it talks about Brian's first Cross race. Pretty interesting to talk about how we all got into this sport. Good stuff.

Ok, lets make it three.



I saw this over at Molly's Blog. I dream of making video's this good. What is it going to take? Better equipment? Probably. I wonder out loud what this was shot with. It looks really good. But it begs the question: What to do? I want to race Cyclocross more than anything, but what then, do I do about covering the race scene this year?

I'm on a quest to find out the differences between the East and West Coast Cyclocross Scenes. Who know's what kind of craziness could come of it. Either way I saw a lifesized Billy Dee Williams at the Liquor Store just now. Thank you Colt 45 for bringing it back. And apparently Sheppard Fairey designed it. Weird? Weird.